Nine bands and a shovel
Button’s notebook has a second rule under the grease-pencil first one: If the wildlife is already writing the farm page, file the wildlife and go count the chickens.
MDC’s bear-and-furbearer man told a mid-Missouri station in July that armadillos are not a rumor anymore. They came up from the country that invented them. Milder winters gave them a hallway. Insects gave them a reason. Nate Bowersock said the quiet part: they are here to stay. He also said the part every goat already suspected: there is not a lot that deters an armadillo.
Button has been conducting unsanctioned research along the garden edge. Method: sit. Equipment: a stick, a notebook, and the patience of a kid who has been told not to touch. Result: a hole that was not there Tuesday. The hole has the manners of a person who does not RSVP.
A roads study this summer put trail cameras on the night shift and caught one walking the shoulder like a union steward. The same study is trying to talk Missouri into building crossings where deer, raccoons, opossums, and now these armored cousins already know the underpass. Button supports infrastructure. Button also supports covering the feed room.
What this paper will not do is turn a nine-banded visitor into a villain with a mustache. Armadillos eat grubs. They also rearrange a yard that a goat had already arranged to her satisfaction. They do not read burn bans. They do not care that archery season starts next Tuesday. They have a shovel built into their face and a calendar that only says now.
A hole in the goat yard is not always a dog.
A hole in the goat yard is not always a hog.
Sometimes the South sent a small tank and called it wildlife.
Button’s advice, which Professor Gruff allowed after crossing out three jokes about chain mail:
- Look at the hole before you blame the resident livestock.
- Do not invent a home remedy that involves a product you would not want in the milk.
- If you trap, know the rules of your county before you relocate a problem into your cousin’s ditch.
- Keep the grain where a nose without manners cannot file a claim.
The goats have filed a minority report. The minority report is that the yard was fine. The yard is still fine if you count “fine” the way September counts rain. Button has decided not to take a side. Button has decided to sit on the porch with the stick and wait for the next edition of the hole.